You Confused Londoners


A week of rioting. One whole week! Gor Mahia fans must be wondering why they were born in the wrong country. So London, Manchester, Birmingham and other smoke-clogged ovens of capitalism are up in arms in support of…ummh, sorry wrong angle. They are rioting against…. *draws another blank.* ok, shoot! Someone help me out here. What exactly are these jobless, spoilt, stoned lazy teenagers doing, running on streets, looting stores, burning post offices and DELAYING THE EPL OPENING FIXTURES!?! I know even UoN students have more respect for THE League.

And please no-one should dare feed the public that manure about the guy shot in Tottenham that goes on the lines of racial-targeting. With my basic knowledge of UK geography (shout outs to Google Earth), I know Tottenham is in London. Manchester and Birmingham…that’s like Nakuru and Mombasa! So tell me how the shooting (and subsequent death) of a random black guy by a member of an obviously white police force amounts to racial-targeting? You’re in England for chrissake! What other colour would you expect your cops to be? Yellow?

So when I note that my local media houses are giving this incident as much airtime as if it was the discovery of oil in Kibera, I just sit back and wonder why we’re still living in this neo-colonialist mindset. Or is it that the world is just shocked that a ‘world power’ is not so different from the others. So much for acting as the world’s self-appointed nanny/super cop. It’s time for a slight paradigm shift. How about Libya/Iraq/Afghanistan invading UK just to teach those blokes how it feels to have one’s sovereignty flushed down the toilet. I wonder what Ghadaffi would say to that. What a sight that would be. Ever wondered what your meds taste like, dear Queeny?

And the news that Cameron is proposing a social media blackout…almost music to my ears. anybody remember Uganda (WalkToWork)? Or the Tahrir Revolution in Egypt? Similar much? I thought so too. yeah, Karma’s a b*tch. *insert evil laugh*

Slogan-less, without a cause message or aim, no organization. Something about all these just screams ATTENTION SEEKING TEENAGERS! Who don’t understand that the double-dip recession that has caught their parents by the balls is the reason for their slashed allowances. Hence resorting to nicking I-pods and wide-screen tellies. Considering their adolescence, at least one can take comfort in knowing this nonsense will end as soon as the next big thing comes by and steals their minds. I’m thinking a mega-hit PS3 game (COD)…or maybe a Kate Middleton sex-tape…yeah that should do it.

But at least he world gets its regular reminder from the forces that be that we are all equal….even those big shots. A reminder just in case we forgot that almost the same thing happened in L.A (Los Angeles muyinga! Not Lang’ata!) in 1992. And that one was the motherload. And at least that had a just cause.

But in all this, there’s only one real reason for concern. The Barclays English Premier League! Thank God The Arsenal don’t have a home game this weekend. I think goners have undergone enough torture this summer (btw I have no idea whatsoever what summer is. I just hear about it, me and my presently frozen self!). And before I get on with all this, (coz I could go on and on and…) let me wish the best team glory… by which I mean Arsenal…exclusively! But at least I take comfort in knowing that if that Kate Middleton sex-tape doesn’t work out, I can bet my non-existent salary that these “riots” won’t last through this weekend. Just proving the power of football. and they should just probably introduce a new sport into the London Olympics next year. One that their youth can specialize in.

PS: I eventually learnt that the guy who was actually shot (Mark Duggan) was an ex-con. Well, he didn’t deserve to die. But it’s kinda absurd because he died in a legit police bust. They should see the number of gangsters shot on third-world city streets daily. Would they riot then or make homemade nukes!?

Just a thought.

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