I am not clean, I am not a saint. I don’t walk bathed in light, in white robes with ‘good’ written all over me. I am not exempt from wrong (neither from good). For once, I am not ashamed to sit on the fence, however sharp its edges are.
I am clean. I am unclean. I am good. I am bad. I try. I try to give my good side the upper hand but even my darker side must get to see the light of day…and even the dark of night.
I whisper pleasantries. I scream profanities. I will excuse you. I will push you out of my way. But come what may, my darker ALWAYS sees the light of day…a little bit too much perhaps.
I am the extrovert. I am the introvert…I am the inextrovert, comfortable with my middle ground. Sometimes all bright, occasionally a wee bit uptight. But I’ m always the same likeable, hateable, loveable, liveable self. I choose to live my life with abandon. Have a little adventure. Because one day I want to look back without regret, and in my nostalgia, relive my life with those who were in it, are in it, and will be in it.
I pass. I fail. It’s all the same. I don’t believe in the restrictions set by millennia of civilization. I may be the best. I may be the worst…but I know I’ll never be the last. Never the last human on earth…never! I will grow to be great, I know. But maybe I have already grown…who knows? So, did I leave my greatness behind? Or did it pull a Usain Bolt on me and I’m just back here eating his dust? Or maybe he’s just right here with me.
My life’s in 3D: the past, the present and the future. I occasionally travel through each dimension, guided by nothing but my ineptitude. My ineptitude in living this life without a guide, to choose a side. Good or bad. And most frequently my guide fails me and I let my darker self surface, to replenish his view of our vain world before he plunges back into the pitch darkness of his world. But I wonder where he came from, and sometimes I wish I could talk to him, ask him why. Who. What. When. Just ask him. For all the isht he puts me through. All the thrill he gives me…and for all the wrongs I’ve done.
I wish he was like just any other household pet. Throw him a bone and he drifts into a lull. When satisfied sits down in a purr. Or if he becomes just too much of a bugger, the euthanasia is never too far away.
But for the greater good, my little darker self will get his due credit, for all his worth. For any ill or good he causes. Or even if he really does exist or not. For all I know, he’s the man/woman of mayhem inside who screams inside each and every one of us…NEVER EVER brush him off.